What’s Really Keeping Us from Our Neighbors? A New Look at Heart Obstacles

 

I’m often asked why Americans don’t connect with their neighbors like they used to. Why is there such a noticeable drop in neighborhood interaction—fewer block parties, fewer waves from the porch, fewer casual conversations across fences?

For years, I’ve leaned on four key reasons, drawn from research and observation, that help explain this trend:

First, loneliness. It may seem paradoxical, but loneliness itself often keeps us from reaching out. The longer we feel lonely, the harder it becomes to risk new relationships—and so the cycle continues.

Second, busyness. American life is hurried and full. We overbook our calendars and run from one commitment to the next, leaving little margin for neighborly encounters or connection.

Third, retreat mentality. After a long day, many of us view our home as a place to hide, not a space to connect. Our home becomes a fortress, not a front porch.

Fourth, entertainment focus. With endless entertainment options available 24/7 we often choose virtual engagement over real-world relationships. Our screens offer comfort, but they crowd out community.

FIFTH: HEART OBSTACLES

But recently, I’ve come to believe there’s something deeper going on. After a year of reflection and study, I’m adding a fifth category that I call “heart obstacles.” These are the internal, emotional barriers that quietly but powerfully sabotage our capacity to connect. Specifically: fear, shame, an unwillingness to be vulnerable, and selfishness.

Let me explain.

Fear keeps people from being real. It causes us to hide our true thoughts and feelings for fear of being judged or rejected. Fear erodes trust and leads to avoidance—of neighbors, of potential friendships, of even small talk at the mailbox.

Shame creates distance. It whispers that we’re not good enough, interesting enough, or worthy enough. Instead of inviting others in, shame convinces us to stay silent and alone. It blocks vulnerability and often fuels defensiveness, which can shut down any chance at real connection.

Unwillingness to be vulnerable may be the most subtle obstacle of all. Many people keep up a polished exterior but never let others get close. Without vulnerability, relationships remain shallow. Reconciliation is rare. We hide behind our roles, routines, and busy schedules, never letting others know what we’re really facing.

Selfishness, though it may not be obvious, poisons relationships. When we constantly prioritize our own comfort, convenience, or entertainment, there’s no room left for empathy. Selfishness makes connection feel like a burden instead of a joy. It creates imbalance, undermines trust, and leaves others feeling unseen and undervalued.

Together, these heart obstacles form a kind of relational fog. They cloud our clarity, block our closeness, and distort our sense of community. They keep us guarded and emotionally distant—sometimes even from the people living just a few feet away.

THE HARD TRUTH

And here’s the hard truth: unlike the size of our front porches or the placement of our garage doors, these obstacles are within our control. They aren’t fixed by government policy, homeowner’s association rules, or new urban design. They’re fixed by the choices we make in our own hearts.

If we want stronger neighborhoods—and a healthier, more connected society—we must confront these internal barriers head-on. That means being willing to slow down, to risk vulnerability, to push through fear, to let go of shame, and to put others before ourselves.

Being a good neighbor isn’t just about geography. It’s about presence, courage, and heart. And it’s something each of us can start practicing today—with the person across the street, the family next door, or the neighbor we’ve waved at but never truly met.

In an age of disconnection, choosing to connect is a radical, hopeful act. It might just be the one that helps us rediscover what community is really all about.

Written by David L. Burton

MORE INFORMATION

Take the Engaged Neighbor pledge and become part of a movement! The pledge outlines five categories and 20 principles to guide you toward becoming an engaged neighbor. Sign the pledge at https://nomoregoodneighbors.com. Individuals who take the pledge do get special invitations to future events online and in person. Contact the blog author, David L. Burton via email at dburton541@yahoo.com or burtond@missouri.edu. You can also visit his website at https://engagedneighbor.com.