Why Fewer Americans Connect with Their Neighbors Today

Something has changed in the way Americans relate to the people next door. If you ask anyone over the age of 40, they’ll likely tell you that neighbor relationships aren’t what they used to be. Decades ago, neighbors borrowed cups of sugar, watched each other’s kids, and spent time chatting on porches. Today, many of us don’t even know the names of the people who live a few steps away. While some still long for a more connected neighborhood life, others have settled into a quieter arrangement defined less by social relationships and more by etiquette: be quiet and leave me alone.

So what happened?

People love to speculate. Some blame air conditioning for pulling us indoors. Others point to suburban design—homes with small or missing front porches, or privacy fences that form barriers more than boundaries. Some mention garage doors that shut before we even wave hello. Others cite the rise in screen time, longer work hours, two-parent working households, or the transient nature of modern life. These are all valid factors—but they are largely external. They explain the environment, not the engagement.

The deeper truth is this: the decline in neighboring is not just about how neighborhoods are built or how busy the world has become. It’s about how we choose to live in those neighborhoods. The real barriers to neighboring are not just structural or technological—they are personal.

The Five Reasons Neighboring Has Declined

In recent years, research and observation have highlighted five primary reasons why Americans no longer engage with their neighbors like they once did. These internal factors offer insight—and also responsibility.

1. Loneliness

It might seem ironic, but loneliness itself can keep people from making social connections. When people feel isolated or unseen, they may begin to assume they are not wanted or that no one has time for them. Loneliness feeds self-doubt and discourages outreach. Rather than taking a risk and knocking on a neighbor’s door, we tell ourselves, “They probably don’t want to be bothered.” In this way, loneliness becomes both a symptom and a cause of disconnection.

2. Busyness

American culture glorifies the full calendar. We fill our days with work, errands, school events, extracurricular activities, and constant to-do lists. We sign up our children for every opportunity and then spend our weekends driving them from one activity to the next. With little margin in our schedules, we rarely pause long enough to wave at a neighbor, much less invite them over for coffee. Busyness steals presence—and without presence, connection is impossible.

3. Retreat Mentality

After long days of work, errands, and appointments, many people simply want to go home and shut the world out. "I just want to go home and relax" has become a mantra. While rest is important, we've allowed our homes to become fortresses of solitude rather than centers of community. Over time, the retreat mentality trains us to view our neighbors not as friends or partners in community, but as intrusions into our much-guarded private space.

4. Entertainment Focus

Televisions keep getting bigger, streaming options more abundant, and screens more immersive. The average American watches over three hours of TV a day, and that doesn’t even include time spent on phones or video games. With so much content at our fingertips, it’s easier than ever to fill our free time with entertainment rather than interaction. We are more likely to binge-watch a show than to sit on the porch, go for a walk, or talk to a neighbor across the fence. Our appetite for entertainment has slowly eaten away at our capacity for real-world relationships.

5. Heart Obstacles

Perhaps the most overlooked—but most powerful—barriers to neighboring are what I am calling heart obstacles. These include fear, shame, unwillingness to be vulnerable, and selfishness.

• Fear makes us wary of others. It causes us to keep our distance, to avoid eye contact, and to retreat from anything unfamiliar. It prevents authenticity, erodes trust, and leads to avoidance.

• Shame whispers that we are unworthy of connection. It convinces us that our mess is too messy, our home too small, our story too broken. It creates isolation, blocks vulnerability, and fuels defensiveness.

• Unwillingness to be vulnerable builds emotional walls. It limits intimacy and leads to relationships built on appearances rather than honesty.

• Selfishness puts our comfort above community. It creates imbalance, undermines empathy, and erodes the trust that relationships require.

These emotional obstacles create a kind of relational fog—clouding clarity, blocking closeness, and distorting connection. They keep us guarded, disconnected, and distant. Left unaddressed, they erode the very foundation of neighborly life: trust, empathy, and shared humanity.

What’s the Solution?

The truth is, these barriers can’t be legislated away. No city ordinance or homeowner’s association policy can create neighborliness. That power lies with us—our hearts, our priorities, and our willingness to show up. If we want neighborhoods where people feel known, supported, and safe, we must choose to engage.

Neighboring is not just about proximity—it’s about presence. It’s the art and skill of building relationships with the people who live closest to us. And it matters more than we often realize. Healthy neighboring contributes to stronger social networks, reduced crime, lower rates of loneliness, improved mental health, and higher overall well-being. It can even save lives in moments of crisis.

Reclaiming Connection

In a world that pushes us toward isolation, choosing to be a good neighbor is a small but radical act. It means slowing down enough to notice who lives around you. It means risking vulnerability and stepping outside the retreat of comfort and entertainment. It means resisting fear and selfishness and instead choosing courage, generosity, and presence.

Yes, something has changed—but it doesn’t have to stay that way. The path forward begins with a simple knock on the door, a wave across the street, or a shared conversation on the front porch.

Because community isn’t built by accident. It’s built by neighbors. One choice at a time.

Written by David L. Burton

MORE INFORMATION

Take the Engaged Neighbor pledge and become part of a movement! The pledge outlines five categories and 20 principles to guide you toward becoming an engaged neighbor. Sign the pledge at https://nomoregoodneighbors.com. Individuals who take the pledge do get special invitations to future events online and in person. Contact the blog author, David L. Burton via email at dburton541@yahoo.com or visit his website at https://engagedneighbor.com.