The Loopholes We Use to Avoid Our Neighbors
I have noticed something interesting over the years.
When people hear the word neighboring — really connecting with the people who live next door — they rarely argue against it outright. Almost everyone agrees it’s a good idea.
Instead, we look for loopholes.
We don’t say, “I don’t want to know my neighbors.”
We say:
“I’m just really busy right now.”
“It’s not safe like it used to be.”
“People don’t want to be bothered.”
“I wouldn’t even know what to say.”
“That’s just not my personality.”
"My neighbors are crazy."
Fear is often the biggest driver. But it’s not the only loophole we use.
Let’s name a few.
1. The Busyness Loophole
“I just don’t have time.”
We live in an era where exhaustion is a badge of honor. Our calendars are full. Our evenings are consumed by work, kids’ schedules, streaming shows, scrolling, or simply recovering from the day.
But here’s the hard truth: neighboring rarely requires large blocks of time.
It requires margin. It requires noticing. It requires slowing down enough to say hello.
Busyness is often a socially acceptable way of saying, “This feels uncomfortable.”
2. The Safety Loophole
“It’s just not safe anymore.”
Safety concerns are real in some contexts. But often this statement reflects perception more than experience.
Ironically, one of the most powerful predictors of neighborhood safety is connectedness. Streets where neighbors know each other tend to be safer because:
People watch out for one another. Suspicious activity gets noticed. Problems are addressed collaboratively.
Isolation does not make us safer. It often makes us more vulnerable.
The loophole protects us from discomfort — but may cost us security.
3. The Personality Loophole
“I’m just not that kind of person.”
We’ve convinced ourselves that neighboring is an extrovert’s sport.
But neighboring is not about hosting block parties every month. It’s about learning a name, bringing in a trash can checking on someone during a storm, or having a two-minute porch conversation.
Introverts can be extraordinary neighbors. In fact, quiet consistency often builds deeper trust than charismatic energy.
Personality becomes a loophole when it becomes an excuse.
4. The Privacy Loophole
“I like my privacy.”
There is nothing wrong with privacy. Healthy boundaries matter.
But we often confuse privacy with anonymity.
You can know your neighbors and still have boundaries. You can have conversations and still close your door. You can build trust without surrendering autonomy.
Anonymity feels safe — until you need help.
5. The Digital Loophole
“I’m connected online.”
Social media gives us the illusion of connection without the vulnerability of proximity.
We can comment, like, scroll and share.
But we rarely have to risk rejection, awkwardness, or unpredictability.
Digital connection is convenient. Proximity is powerful.
One gives hits of dopamine. The other builds trust.
Why Do We Keep Using Loopholes?
Because neighboring requires three things many of us resist:
Initiative – Someone has to go first.
Vulnerability – You might feel awkward.
Consistency – Trust is built over time.
Loopholes protect us from risk.
They protect us from rejection, conflict, discomfort and difference.
But they also protect us from something else — growth.
What We Lose When We Avoid Neighboring
When we consistently choose loopholes over connection, we lose:
Informal support systems.
Shared childcare and resource exchange.
Collective problem-solving.
Increased safety.
Intergenerational relationships.
A sense of belonging.
We also lose resilience.
When crisis hits — a storm, illness, job loss — anonymous neighborhoods struggle. Connected neighborhoods respond.
And perhaps most significantly, we lose the simple human experience of being known.
What We Gain When We Close the Loopholes
When we step through fear instead of hiding behind it, we gain trust, emotional security, local friendships, shared celebrations, collective courage, and a deeper sense of place.
We gain stories. We gain names. We gain people who notice if our garage door is open — and people we notice in return.
The Real Question
The question isn’t whether neighboring is a good idea.
The question is: Which loophole am I currently using?
And what might happen if I closed it?
You don’t need a block party. You don’t need a personality transplant. You don’t need a new schedule.
You need one small step. A wave. A name. A question. A moment of courage.
Because the cost of loopholes is quiet isolation and the reward of connection is belonging.
WRITTEN BY
David L. Burton
Take the Engaged Neighbor pledge and become part of a movement! The pledge outlines five categories and 20 principles to guide you toward becoming an engaged neighbor. Sign the pledge at https://nomoregoodneighbors.com. Individuals who take the pledge do get special invitations to future events online and in person. Contact the blog author, David L. Burton via email at dburton541@yahoo.com.
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