What We Can Learn from a Recent NPR Conversation With Dunkleman and Pressler

Sometimes a national conversation confirms something you've suspected all along.

I recently listened to an NPR interview titled The Safety and Power of Knowing Your Neighbors. While the discussion covered everything from loneliness to neighborhood gatherings, two guests in particular stood out to me. 

Marc Dunkelman, author of The Vanishing Neighbor, and community builder Sam Pressler offered insights that should matter to anyone who cares about stronger neighborhoods.

Their observations did not feel abstract or academic. They described many of the same changes I have seen across Missouri and the same opportunities that continue to emerge when ordinary people choose to become engaged neighbors.

Perhaps the biggest lesson is this: Neighboring did not disappear by accident.

It slowly changed as our culture changed.

Dunkelman explained that earlier generations generally assumed they would know the people living nearby. Somewhere during the late twentieth century our definition of being a good neighbor shifted. Today we often describe a good neighbor as someone who respects privacy, stays quiet, and does not interfere. In other words, we have begun to define good neighboring by distance rather than relationship.

That observation immediately reminded me of one of our Missouri surveys. When we ask people what makes a good neighbor, the two most common answers are "respects my privacy" and "is quiet."

Neither answer is wrong.

Privacy matters. Boundaries matter.

But they cannot become the entire definition of neighboring.

As Dunkelman points out, "if the fence becomes a fortress, we lose something important."

Pressler takes the conversation one step further.

He argues that relationships require practice.

Just like muscles weaken when they are not used, our social skills weaken when we stop interacting with other people. Every technology that allows us to stay home more easily also reduces opportunities for casual conversations, spontaneous invitations, and the everyday interactions that build community.

That may explain why so many people say they feel lonely even while being constantly connected online.

Neighboring is not simply about being friendly. It is a skill.

And like every skill, it improves with repetition.

Another lesson from the interview is that friendships rarely happen by accident.

Producer Katie Monteleone described moving to Washington, D.C., realizing she hardly knew anyone around her, and deciding to intentionally build relationships with her neighbors. She even created a spreadsheet to remember names and invite people to dinner. What sounded awkward at first eventually transformed into dozens of neighborhood friendships and a deep sense of belonging.

There is an important lesson hidden inside that story.

Community is usually built intentionally before it ever feels natural.

Many people wait until relationships happen. Katie made relationships happen.

That is exactly why I often say neighboring is less about personality than it is about practice.

One of the most encouraging ideas came from Pressler's experience with neighborhood microgrants.

He explained that small grants of one hundred dollars often give people something they need even more than the money: Permission.

The grant tells someone, "Yes, you can invite people over. Yes, your idea matters."

Once one gathering happens, another often follows. Small neighborhood events begin creating momentum that grows into lasting relationships and future projects.

That observation has enormous implications. Sometimes communities do not need larger budgets. They need someone willing to give residents permission to lead.

The interview also introduced listeners to the concept of collective efficacy.

Researchers describe it as the combination of close neighborhood relationships and the willingness of neighbors to work together to solve problems. 

Neighborhoods with higher levels of collective efficacy experience better health outcomes, greater trust, and stronger feelings of safety because residents know they are not facing life's challenges alone.

This is why neighboring is not simply a nice idea.

It is part of the social infrastructure that helps communities function.

Perhaps Pressler's most important point was his reminder that shared problems often create shared purpose.

Many neighborhoods have become stronger because residents came together around a challenge. Whether repairing housing, improving safety, organizing around local concerns, or simply hosting a gathering, working toward something together creates trust faster than waiting for friendships to appear on their own.

Throughout my career I have found the same thing. People often become friends while solving problems together.

Finally, Pressler closed with a thought that may be the most important of all. He suggested that neighboring is ultimately a cultural choice. 

Healthy communities develop when we recover a sense of hospitality and begin seeing the people who live nearby as part of our shared story rather than simply people who occupy nearby houses.

That idea captures what I hope Missouri Good Neighbor Week represents.

The goal has never been to make everyone best friends. The goal is to help people rediscover that the people living next door matter.

Neighboring is not nostalgia. It is not something only previous generations could do. It is a skill that can be learned.

It grows through simple conversations, small invitations, shared projects, and repeated acts of kindness.

Every friendship begins with someone saying hello.

Every connected neighborhood begins with someone deciding that proximity is not enough.

The good news is that decision can start today, right outside your own front door.

WRITTEN BY

David L. Burton

For more information, visit the Engaged Neighbor website. Take our pledge and become part of a movement! Or subscribe to our newsletter. Access some of the research documents written by David Burton, the author of this blog. Or better yet, purchase one of his books off Amazon. Contact David L. Burton via email at dburton541@yahoo.