Neighboring After Service: How to Be a Friend to a Veteran Who Lives Next Door

 

Our special guest on Oct. 16 was Joshua Shinn, a community development specialist with University of Missouri Extension. (You can see the class video here). In advance of the class he put together a flier just full of good information. This is why I learned from the flier.

When someone who is served in the military moves home, they often face more than just unpacking boxes. Civilian life brings new rhythms, different expectations, and sometimes a sense of isolation. As neighbors, we can play a powerful role in helping veterans feel seen, valued, and connected. Here’s how.

Understand Without Assuming

• Respect both the uniform and the person. Military service shapes people profoundly, but it’s just part of their identity. Don’t reduce a neighbor to “just a vet.” They are more: parent, hobbyist, gardener, mechanic, cook, friend.
• Don’t demand or press for stories. If a veteran wants to share about deployment, combat, or loss, that’s their choice. For many, discussing what happened can be painful, confusing, or just not something they want to do. Being willing to listen if they choose to speak matters more than prodding for detail.
• Avoid pity and over‑sympathy. Genuine kindness is good; pity can feel patronizing. Many veterans are accustomed to self‑reliance, discipline, and maintaining composure. Treating them like equals, with respect, reflects best.

Build Bridges, Not Barriers

• Engage in regular small acts of neighborliness. Invite them for a cup of coffee. Offer to help with something—a task, a tool, advice, or gardening. Small, consistent interactions build familiarity.
• Create common ground. Shared interests—sports, pets, music, community events—can help. If you find something you both enjoy, it becomes a neutral space for connection outside the lens of service or trauma.
• Be patient with adjustment. Moving from a structured, mission‑oriented military environment to civilian life can feel chaotic or disorienting. Routines may shift; expectations about how people communicate or what counts as “helpful” may differ. A veteran’s internal “off‑duty time” or need for quiet may be greater; accepting that helps.

Offer Support, Not Fixes

• Know what resources are or might be helpful—but don’t insist. Veterans’ reintegration often involves navigating benefits, medical care, mental health, job training, or peer support. If you learn about what’s available, you can share these in a gentle, non‑pressured way when appropriate.
• Watch your language. Avoid clichés. Phrases like “thank you for your service” are appreciated by some—but for others, they may feel hollow if what they most need is connection or emotional or practical support. Conversely, invalidating fears or anxieties (“You don’t need to worry”) often dismisses what they’re experiencing.
• Honor boundaries. There may be days when a neighbor wants solitude. Recognize signs of fatigue, stress, or withdrawal without taking them personally. Just being present—knowing you’re there—is often enough.

Cultivate Community

• Encourage and facilitate peer connections. Fellow veterans understand things civilians often don’t. If there are local veteran groups, events, or support networks nearby, letting them know, or even going with them, can help lessen the sense of going it alone.
• Be inclusive in neighborhood life. Invite veterans to block parties, yard sales, neighborhood watches, book clubs, or whatever identity‑building activities exist locally. Being part of community rituals helps reintegration.
• Check for signs of struggle. Veterans have higher risk for depression, PTSD, moral injury, isolation. If you notice sustained withdrawal, unusual behavior, or conversation of self‑harm or hopelessness (even oblique), gently express concern, listen, and help connect them with professional help or crisis resources.

What Not to Do

• Don’t assume all veterans are the same. Service branches, missions, combat exposure, reservist vs. active duty—all greatly affect how someone returns.
• Don’t treat silence as disinterest. A veteran’s quiet could be coping, reflection, social fatigue, or just peace.
• Don’t expect gratitude or visible acknowledgement. Support doesn’t need to come with “thanks”—often it works quietly.

In Closing

Neighbors are more than geographic coincidences: we share fences, noises, seasons, gardens, fences, joys, and burdens. For a veteran, knowing there’s a neighbor who sees them as a full person can make a difference. It’s about recognizing service without making it the only thing, offering support without overwhelming, and allowing the veteran to set the pace.

When our neighborhoods become places where veterans feel welcome, safe, and whole again, we all gain. We gain strength, community, compassion—and a bond deeper than proximity.

To enroll in the Neighboring 101 network, visit the MU Extension website at https://extension.missouri.edu/ and use the search tool to find the Neighboring 101 event. The modest registration fee is a one-time fee.

Written by David L. Burton

MORE INFORMATION

Take the Engaged Neighbor pledge and become part of a movement! The pledge outlines five categories and 20 principles to guide you toward becoming an engaged neighbor. Sign the pledge at https://nomoregoodneighbors.com. Individuals who take the pledge do get special invitations to future events online and in person. Contact the blog author, David L. Burton via email at dburton541@yahoo.com or burtond@missouri.edu. You can also visit his website at https://engagedneighbor.com.