If You Want Real Community, Drop the Sales Pitch

 

Oof, that pot-and-pan dinner story lives rent-free in my head because it perfectly captures a common mistake good people make when they’re trying to “reach” others: they accidentally bait-and-switch them.

Here’s the fuller version of what happened.

Back when my wife and I were young, I was working in the alumni and development office at a local university. My job—at least as I understood it—was to build genuine relationships with alumni. So when a well-known alum invited us over for dinner, we felt like we’d hit a milestone. My wife was excited to see another home and enjoy a nice evening. I was excited that my relationship-building efforts were paying off.

We arrived at a beautiful house. The host was cooking on the island in a pristine kitchen, preparing a fancy meal that we would never have tried on our own in those days. We sat down, enjoyed great conversation, and I remember thinking, This is it. This is what real relationship-building looks like. This is how trust grows.

Then came the moment.

“So… what kinds of pots and pans do you and your wife have?”

Turns out, dinner wasn’t dinner. It was a pitch. We hadn’t been invited as friends—we’d been invited as prospects. And overnight the entire evening soured. Not because selling pots and pans is wrong. But because the intent was hidden. The friendship was the lure; the transaction was the goal.

That’s the heart of a bait-and-switch.

And Christians do this more often than we’d like to admit. We invite neighbors over for burgers and backyard conversation, but halfway through the meal comes the pivot: “You should really come to church with us.” Or “Let me tell you about our small group.” Or “We’d love to have you at our Easter service.”

Look—inviting people to church is a good thing. Sharing your faith is a good thing. Hospitality is a good thing. But when we present one thing while secretly pursuing another, we’re no longer building relationships—we’re using them.

And in today’s culture, that doesn’t just fall flat. It feels manipulative.

Trust takes time. Friendship takes time. Neighboring takes time. Jesus didn’t microwave relationships; He walked roads, shared meals, sat in homes, and listened. People followed Him because they knew He loved them—not because He cornered them over dinner with a brochure.

If we want to see neighbors become friends and friends become fellow travelers, we’ve got to drop the bait-and-switch and reclaim genuine, agenda-free presence. That’s where belonging grows. That’s where faith becomes plausible. And that’s where trust begins.

Written by David L. Burton

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