Mister Manners: Pick People Over Pixels


Thomas P. Farley is better known as Mister Manners. He is an etiquette expert, speaker, and author. You may have seen him on NBC’s Today Show or read his book, “Modern Manners: The Thinking Person’s Guide to Social Graces.”

One of his frequently used phrases is the reminder to put “people over pixels.” In a recent interview I conducted, Farley said this is more important now than ever before.

“With each passing year, our brain chemistry has been literally changing. We are social media addicted, and we are e-mail addicted. With the advent of the smartphone and other technologies, we are just further and further engaged with our devices,” said Farley.

But the challenge with this new addiction is that there are still only 24 hours in a day.

“The number of hours you’re spending on social media or checking to see how many likes your latest Instagram post may have gotten, that’s time that you’re not giving to the people around you,” said Farley.

The technology itself is neutral, but how we choose to use it creates problems.

“We grow accustomed to taking the less interesting, the less fun but perhaps, the easier route, which is going to a neighborhood party and standing off to the side with your phone and not taking time to engage with the people around you. I think that’s a lost opportunity,” said Farley.

There are some basic manners with technology that help to make human connections.

First, if you’ve got a live human being standing in front of you, don’t say, “I’m listening, go ahead,” while you stare down at your screen.

Second, be sure the phone is put away if you are having dinner with friends. It should not be sitting on a table face down. It should be put away in my bag, so you are not tempted.

“Putting phones away ensures that if a person is in your midst, that person gets the priority, not the pixels,” said Farley.

With the convenience of smartphones comes a whole lot of disconnectedness. Farley says he wants to see us re-awaken our connectedness with people, but he fears the disconnectedness we are seeing now in the culture is just the tip of the iceberg.

“If we think people are distracted now, give it five years when you’re walking down the street, and people have virtual reality headsets. Give it ten years when you read your stock quotes and look at your Twitter feed through a contact lens embedded in your eye,” said Farley. “I think now is the time to reclaim our humanity before we forget what that even is.”

More in the coming weeks as we consider the best way to meet neighbors, the best types of gifts for a neighbor, conversation starters, and how to address neighbor issues. 

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Does this article make you interested in taking the Engaged Neighbor pledge? Five categories and 20 principles to guide you toward becoming an engaged neighbor. Sign the pledge online at http://engagedneighbor.com.

Contact the blog author, David L. Burton at dburton541@yahoo.com.

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