My Personal Journey to Becoming an Engaged Neighbor

Forty years ago, the doorbell would ring, and my brother and I would all spring to our feet to see you it was. We actually would come sliding across the floor in our sock feet to reach the door first. Mom and dad would answer the door with joy in their hearts to see that a neighbor or someone else visiting from out of town had dropped by unexpectedly to see us!

“Well, look who it is!” With excitement, the visitor would be escorted into the house and to the kitchen. There was always some muffins or maybe a pound cake -- which my brother and I were never supposed to touch – sitting under glass and waiting for visitors. Mom would be like, “Oh so glad you stopped by to visit, here have some cake. Do you want some Sanka?”

Contrast that to how we respond to a doorbell these days. At our house, if the doorbell rings, we turn the lights off, and everybody hits the floor. I crawl over to the door to try to peek through the glass to see who it might be. Is it a Girl Scout selling cookies? Or maybe just UPS.

If it is someone we know, I crack the door while my wife cleans up the house and tells our children to go clean the bathrooms before we let them in. I am exaggerating, a little.

I kid you not, a few weeks ago my mother called to say she was in Republic and she was going to come by the house and drop off some books. I was not at home, and neither was my wife. For years, our children had been trained to not answer the doorbell when we were not at home. However, my children are now 17 and 20. Still, I quickly sent a text message to both my teenager children saying, “Hey, when the doorbell rings, please answer it because it is your grandma.” If I had not sent the text, I guarantee they would not have answered the door!

Times have changed. So we can admit we have a doorbell problem. What about our neighboring? Do we have a neighboring problem?

WHAT STARTED IT ALL FOR ME

I was a great neighbor until God convicted me that I was not. I was going along being a great neighbor. I mow my yard. I chop my leaves. I pick up my dog’s poo on walks. I do not throw loud parties. I do not park on the road. I keep my garage door down like I am supposed to. I put up Christmas lights (in November). I even wave at my neighbors.

Then our church added “neighbors” to our church vision statement. I listened to the sermon and thought, “I got this.” We left on vacation the next day and visited my sister-in-law in Colorado Springs. She works at a church, and we attended a service with her. Guess what the theme of their church is for this year: Love Your Neighbor. I paused and wondered if God was trying to get my attention.

Then a co-worker of Cindy, who had just written a book on being a light in your neighborhood, handed me an autographed copy. He also recommended a book that was on audible, so driving back, I listened to, “The Art of Neighboring.” From the first few minutes of that book, I realized I had not been neighboring at all. I had set my targets, created my own personal and convenient way to be a neighbor, and I had stopped even learning the names of my neighbors.

THIS IS NOT JUST A BOOK STUDY

The Bible has a lot to say about neighboring.  I offer this reminder: Starting in Luke 10:25-29 (and elsewhere), Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself." What happens next is fascinating. The text says, to justify himself, he asked Jesus, "Who is my neighbor?" This man has a straightforward question for Jesus. He gets a straightforward answer, and his first thought is, "Where is the loophole?"

That was 2000 years ago. Most of us, myself included, still fall into this trap, we have tried to define that word neighbor so that it begins to lose some of its power. We end up looking at that parable of the Good Samaritan, and we think to ourselves, "Wow, that's incredible. Everyone is my neighbor, and I'm doing a lot of good stuff so I'm just neighboring all the time."

The problem is, when we aim for everything, we hit nothing. So when we insist we are neighbors with everybody, we end up being neighbors with nobody. It is easy to become numb to the Great Commandment. If we are not careful, we can take the most important teaching of Jesus and turn it into a catchy saying that we do not live out.

GETTING TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS

Dave Runyon in his book, “The Art of Neighboring,” offers a very practical tool for learning and remembering the names of your neighbors. We offer a similar type of document on our website. The key is that you use it to write down and remember the names of your neighbors.

Can you name the eight neighbors living around you? Have you spoken to them in the past month? Do you know a fact about them? Ninety-seven percent of Americans cannot answer yes to all three questions. Did you hear that? Only three percent of Americans know their neighbors. These stats do not get any better with churchgoers.

Here is another way to put that in perspective. About 28% of Americans can name three of their neighbors or fill in the top row; 15% can name five. Less than 7% percent can do the names of all eight squares. The percentage does not improve with community leaders. It doesn’t improve much in the faith community either. One study in Colorado shows only 8% of pastors knew all of their neighbors.

We still need to be social and to have a relationship with others. We were made that way. As a society, we are starved for friendships, for real relationships.

A recent survey showed 70% of Americans saying they are lonely or feel isolated. Real face-to-face, person-to-person interaction can begin by being a good neighbor. Think of the impact if just the people in this program grasped this idea. But first, we must set priorities. Slow down our crazy busy lives. And use our margin to be intentional with our neighbors.

This is what I have seen from this little exercise in our own neighborhood. I have taken on 12 houses around us. I have reintroduced myself to them and had very positive responses from all but one. We have hosted two neighbor events: donuts on the driveway and goodies in the garage and front yard Fridays. On Halloween we had eight neighbors in our garage for soup. We talked and we built trust. I will say, building trust takes time but you must begin somewhere.

IS NEIGHBORING THAT BIG OF A DEAL?

This whole “art of neighboring” concept began in a suburban area of Denver when a city Mayor asked church congregations to start taking neighboring seriously. It led to several different efforts followed by some research and then concept development among churches. Several ideas were tried and what is presented on our website is the best, most effective idea.

What they learned is that there is great power in drawing a circle around the places that we live and then working out from there. One of the most important things that we can do it is to commit to learn and retain, and use the names of the people who live right around us.

When I began to do this in my life, it meant that I needed to go and eat some crow. I had to walk across the street and have conversations like this, "Hey, I know that we've lived next to each other for 18 months, and I know that I've met three times, but I forgot your name." As I started to do that, I did something very important. I went home and I wrote down the names of the people who lived right around me.

Learning your neighbor’s names is a great first step. It moves you from, "Hey, man," to, "Hey, Matt," to, "Hey, Matt, how are things going?" To, "Hey, Matt, could you just help me move this thing in my garage?" To, "Hey, why don't you guys just come over and watch the game?" This does not happen overnight. It is a 12-18-month journey but it never starts if you do not learn the person's name.

Filling out the block map can help kick off this progression of moving from stranger to acquaintance to having a relationship as a neighbor. Starting with those around you is absolutely the single best place to start.

We live in an era when most people do not know what it means to be a good neighbor. Do you recall the slogan for State Farm Insurance? “Like a good neighbor.” It was created in 1971. The jingle was written by Barry Manilow. Everyone knows their slogan. Well, not anymore. State Farm did a series of focus groups nationwide in 2015 and they discovered that people either didn’t understand what that met or the slogan had a negative connotation for them!

I AM NOT PERFECT

Have I had neighboring mess-ups? You bet! I've stuck my foot in my mouth more than once. I have intentionally and unintentionally made a neighbor or two mad. And on top of that, not every neighbor agrees that neighboring is important. 

I have a few that want to be left alone to live a secluded or selfish life. All I can do is admit that I am not perfect. I am far from it. And when I mess up, confess it and try to do better. That is part of the human condition. Not everyone will accept your mess ups or confession with kindness. Some may hold it against you for the rest of your life. 

But do not let that type of response keep from my neighboring with others around you. Do not let the guilt or shame you have for a mess you keep you from doing the right thing. In fact, you doing the right thing just might, in time, help your neighbor see that there is an adult way to respond and a forgiving way too. 

WHERE TO DO WE GO FROM HERE?

The joy we seek is often in the service we avoid. Take a few minutes to know your neighbors and it can lead to something good. Start this week by filling in your chart. I am learning that there are people right around me that have incredible things to share with me and others. It is like I have been living next to a gold mine, but I was too busy to know there was gold next door.

Could it be that the cure for our nation’s anger and loneliness epidemic is right under our nose? We must get uncomfortable. We must get up off our couch. We must prioritize our life with the important things, bring margin to our crazy busy lives, and reach out to our neighbors a bit every week. Who is my neighbor? Let’s make it a goal to discover the answer to that question together.

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Does this article make you interested in taking the Engaged Neighbor pledge? Five categories and 20 principles to guide you toward becoming an engaged neighbor. Sign the pledge online at http://engagedneighbor.com.

Contact the blog author, David L. Burton at dburton541@yahoo.com.