Hospitality May Not Be What You Think

The word hospitality brings expectations and anxiety to the hearts of most people.

Does inviting people into your home feel more like inviting judgment on your entertaining skills and stress on your already maxed-out schedule?

Do you want to welcome others in but get stuck because making food, cleaning the house, decorating, and facilitating conversation feels impossible—or at least too overwhelming, so why bother?

I get it. I’ve been there, too. 

But what if you had simple ways to overcome those obstacles and lean into the gift of opening your door? 

According to Jen Schmidt, author of “Just Open the Door,” it comes down to knowing the difference between entertaining and hospitality.

“The entertaining host seeks to elevate herself, to make it about her,” said Schmidt.

In this example, when the guest arrives, the entertainer announces, “Here I am. Come into my beautiful abode and have the honor of partaking in all the wonderful things I’ve spent hours doing for you. Look at this lavish buffet and the intricate décor. How fortunate for you to be here.”

Hospitality is very different, according to Schmidt. 

“A person focused on hospitality understands that our best to others will fall into place when we focus on those we have invited,” said Schmidt.

When the hospitable hostess swings wide the door, all her attention focuses outward: “You’re here! I’ve been waiting for you. No one is more important today than you, and I’m thrilled you’ve come.”

“Extending hospitality is about freely giving of ourselves while granting others the freedom to be themselves. Shifting our focus from us to them removes all unnecessary expectations. No need to worry about what to say or how to act. Just come as you are,” said Schmidt.

Hospitality, unlike entertaining, treats everyone as a guest of honor rather than grasping at honor for yourself. Opening your door has nothing to do with the actual setting, the guest list, or the food. The atmosphere can be exactly the same yet have very different results based on the heart attitude of the one who welcomes.

“Here I am” versus “here you are.”

There are four practical aspects of hospitality: food, cleaning, atmosphere, and connection.

Which one of these elements comes easily to you? Which of these things feels like an obstacle to opening your home? 

As Schmidt quickly says, “Lives can be changed—starting with ours—when we choose just to open the door and show hospitality.”

Whenever I talk to people about why they have difficulty inviting people over, someone always mentions food.

Perhaps they do not know what to serve or say they are not a good cook. The logistics can be a challenge, and so can the cost.

Right here is when we need to stop ourselves. Turn off those negative voices. 

Inviting people over is not about serving the perfect food or impressing anyone with our culinary skills. It is about opening up our lives to love others.

Of course, we want our guests to feel welcome, and food plays a role, but I recommend keeping it simple.

When we overthink, over-plan, and over-stress about opening our door to others, we overwhelm ourselves and sabotage our intended steps before we even take them.

Opening your door and being a host does not require you to be a gourmet chef or have the resources to throw an elaborate celebration. All that is needed is a willingness to say “yes” to inviting others into your life.

The secret is to start small. Invite one or two neighbors over for coffee and offer store-bought coffee cake. You can make the gathering both creative and simple if you prefer. 

BEING REAL

A warm and welcoming home where others feel comfortable means different things to different people. I have embraced the “good enough” mentality. Our house needs to be clean enough that family and guests know you care but not so perfect that they are uncomfortable. 

When we shatter the image of needing a model home and a model life and replace it with an everyday invitation, walls of comparison begin to fall and true community begins to foster. 

Remember that the goal is to create a special place where people are welcomed into a community and make connections, not to entertain.

Once a neighbor arrives, what if the conversation starts to falter?

I promise this is a skill you can learn. It begins by showing interest in your guest, knowing how to ask good questions, and then learning to listen well. 

Questions show humility. It means you want the focus directed at others and not on yourself. 

Questions also lead toward that ultimate goal: building connections.

What is holding you back from inviting a neighbor over this week for some social time?

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NEIGHBORING 101 CLASS

We had a great discussion on hospitality as part of a 2024 session of Neighboring 101. You can access that class video here.

DEFINITIONS AND QUOTES

Hospitality is the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.

"Hospitality Matters" defines hospitality as a posture of living in which one engages another to draw them out of a place of loneliness and into a place of connection and safety so that they know they have something to offer.

“Hospitality means creating a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy. Hospitality is not to change people but to offer them space for change. It is not to bring men and women over to our side, but to offer freedom not disturbed by dividing lines.” - Henri Nouwen

"As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has -- or ever will have -- something inside that is unique to all time. It's our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression." - Mister Fred Rogers

"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer." - Henry David Thoreau

"An inhospitable space is one where people feel invisible or visible but on trial. A hospitable space is alive with trust and goodwill rooted in a sense of our common humanity." - Parker Palmer

"Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." - Hebrews 13:1-2 NIV

MORE INFORMATION

Have you taken the Engaged Neighbor pledge? The pledge outlines five categories and 20 principles to guide you toward becoming an engaged neighbor. Sign the pledge online at http://engagedneighbor.com. Individuals who take the pledge do get special privileges and get invited to future events online and in person. Contact the blog author, David L. Burton at dburton541@yahoo.com.