How to Win Friends and Influence Your Neighbors

I often get asked where to start on neighboring. For years I have said: learn your neighbors' names, use their names and host get-togethers. Those are three simple steps. But many adults want more details. I've been short on advice until I recently read the classic book (written 70 years ago) by Dale Carnegie: "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

I provide here an outline of concepts from Carnegie's book and replace the word "friends" or "people" with "neighbors."

Fundamental Techniques in Handling Neighbors

1. Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. Human nature does not like to admit fault. When neighbors are criticized or humiliated, they seldom respond well and often become defensive and resent the critic. This approach rarely results in the behavior we desire.

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation. Sincere and meaningful appreciation is one of the most powerful tools in the world. Neighbors will rarely work at their maximum potential under criticism, but honest appreciation brings out their best. 

3. Arouse in your neighbor an eager want. We must forget our own perspective and begin to see things from the point of view of neighbors. When we can combine our desires with their wants, they become eager to work with us and we can mutually achieve our objectives.

Six Ways to Make Neighbors Like You

1. Become genuinely interested in your neighbors. You can make more friends in two months by being interested in them, than in two years by making them interested in you.

2. Smile. Happiness does not depend on outside circumstances, but on inward attitudes. Smiles are free to give and have an amazing ability to make others feel wonderful. 

3. A person's name is a sweet sound. The average neighbor is more interested in their own name than all others. We can make neighbors feel valued by remembering their name.

4. Be a good listener. Encourage neighbors to talk about themselves. The easiest way to become a good conversationalist is to become a good listener. 

5. Talk in terms of your neighbor's interest. The road to a neighbor's heart is to talk about the things they are interested in. They will feel valued and value us in return.

6. Sincerely make your neighbor feel important. The golden rule is to treat others how we would like to be treated. Neighbors will talk to us for hours if we allow them to talk about themselves, and we will win all the friends we could ever dream of.

How to Win Neighbors to Your Way of Thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. If we argue, your neighbor will feel humiliated or strengthened and seek to bolster their position. 

2. Show respect for your neighbor's opinions. We must never tell people flat out that they are wrong. It will only serve to offend them and insult their pride. 

3. If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. When we fight, we never get enough, but by yielding, we often get more than we expected. When we admit we are wrong, neighbors trust us and begin to sympathize with our thinking.

4. Begin in a friendly way. People will be more receptive if we begin our interactions with others in a friendly way. 

5. Start with questions the neighbor will answer yes. Emphasize the things you agree on instead of differences. Never tell someone they are wrong, but rather lead them where we would like them to go with questions that they will answer "yes" to.

6. Let the neighbor do most of the talking. Neighbors do not like listening to us boast, they enjoy doing the talking themselves. If they reach the same conclusion, it will be sweeter to them in their own mouth.

7. Let the neighbor feel the idea is his or hers. People inherently like ideas they come to on their own better than those handed to them on a platter. 

8. Try honestly to see things from the neighbor's point of view. Other neighbors may often be wrong, but we cannot condemn them. We must seek to understand them. Success in dealing with people requires a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint.

9. Be sympathetic with your neighbor's ideas and desires. Neighbors are hungering for sympathy. They want us to recognize all that they desire and feel. If we can sympathize with neighbors, they will also appreciate our side and often come around to our way of thinking.

10. Appeal to the nobler motives. Everyone likes to be glorious in their own eyes. Neighbors believe that they do things for noble and morally upright reasons.

11. Dramatize your ideas. In this fast-paced world, simply stating the truth isn't enough. The truth must be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. 

12. Throw down a challenge. The thing that most motivates neighbors is the game. Everyone desires to excel and prove their worth. If we want someone to do something, we must give them a challenge and they will often rise to meet it.

Be a Leader

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. Neighbors will do things begrudgingly for an iron-fisted leader, but they will work wonders when they are praised and appreciated.

2. Call attention to neighbor's mistakes indirectly. No one likes to make mistakes, especially in front of others. If we subtly and indirectly show neighbors mistakes, they will appreciate us and be more likely to improve.

3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing others. When something goes wrong, taking responsibility can win others to your side. Neighbors do not like to shoulder all the blame, and taking credit for mistakes helps to remove the sting from our critiques of others.

4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. If we offer suggestions, rather than orders, it will boost others' confidence and allow them to learn quickly from their mistakes.

5. Let your neighbor save face. Nothing diminishes the dignity of neighbors like an insult to their pride. Do not condemn them in front of others and allow them to save face.

6. Praise every improvement. Neighbors love to receive praise and admiration. If we truly want someone to improve, we must praise their every advance. 

7. Give your neighbor a fine reputation to live up to. This way, the neighbor will desire to embody the characteristics with which we have described them. Neighbors will work with vigor and confidence if they believe they can improve.

8. Use encouragement. People will give up and lose heart if the desired outcome seems like a momentous task. If we frame objectives as small and easy improvements, we will see dramatic increases in desire and success in our employees.

9. Make the other neighbor happy about doing what you suggest. People will most often respond well when they desire to do the behavior put forth. 

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Does this article make you interested in taking the Engaged Neighbor pledge? Five categories and 20 principles to guide you toward becoming an engaged neighbor. Sign the pledge online at http://engagedneighbor.com.

Contact the blog author, David L. Burton at dburton541@yahoo.com.