No Easy Button for Neighboring

 

I frequently get asked for ideas on resolving problems between neighbors or neighborhoods. I listen to the details each time and ask many questions before offering any ideas.

But in my experience, most people are not seeking ideas. They want an easy button.

When it comes to neighboring and relationships, there is no easy button. It takes time, Or as Chris and Elizabeth McKinney say, neighboring is a crockpot, not a microwave.

When Staples came up with its easy campaign, it tapped into a basic instinct of humans. We are always looking for a shortcut. And these days, in American culture, we are always looking for something that provides the resolution we want with a bare minimum of effort from us!

Back in my growing-up days, this idea was found in the Burger King campaign: Have it your way. It was the idea that anything you wanted, they would provide it. We came to expect that same thing at every store we visited and with every purchase we made. We also started to think our wants were at the center of the universe.

So now we have this cultural idea that we get everything our way, it should require very little from us, and someone else will provide a grant to pay for it. I'm here to say that none of that is true with neighboring.

But in case I'm unclear, let me give you a recent example.

I had a call about dealing with 15-20 community cats that an elderly neighbor lady feeds out of her back door. Then the cats make a mess, fight and mate in the neighbor's yard. They also gather at the neighbor's bird feeder and kill the birds she is trying to attract to watch. Our phone exchange was something like this: 

So you are wanting a resolution to this cat problem? Yes. I am absolutely at my wits end.

Do you ever talk with your neighbor? No. I don't even know her name. 

Are you comfortable talking to her about this cat problem? No. She is an old lady. I don't want to have to talk with her about it.

Does she have a family member or caregiver that you could talk to about it? No, they are crazy. 

The recommended steps are to trap community cats, get them neutered, and them put the back. Could you do that? I really don't want to invest that much time and I don't want to pay for getting them neutered. 

Some cities actually loan out live traps and way for the surgery. Can your town do that for cats? I doubt it. Our city government doesn't do anything right.

Okay, well, there are some deterrents you can mix up and use, do you want the recipes? Send them to me, I'll look when I have time.

You have to reapply every time it rains. Yikes, that sounds like too much work.

Have you considered looking at the ordinances in your town and filing a complaint? I don't want to be the bad guy. That would make people mad.

Have you talked with any of your other neighbors about this issue? Maybe they have similar concerns. I don't want to be a gossip and I don't want to involve anyone else.

I really recommend you start by talking with your neighbors. Well, I don't really like that idea. Thanks anyway.

Any relationship, including those with neighbors, begins with clean and honest communication. It does take time. You may need to make nice with someone that looks different, talks differently or votes differently! But it is the first step to preventing problems and resolving future problems. 

So put away the easy button, walk across the street, and introduce yourself. Start building a relationship so you can jointly find a solution when a crisis does arise.