What to do With Neighbors From Hell

 

Television and media company A&E has an online show known as Neighbor Wars. The videos are easily found on YouTube; even the boring ones get over 2 million views.

Week after week, A&E shows videos of neighbors at their worst arguing over fence lines, parked cars, barking dogs, and lemonade stands, or seeking revenge over a conflict.

My worst neighbor experience was having a group of boys play on and run across my new muddy yard when I was trying to get grass to grow 30 years ago. Thankfully, no video exists of me yelling, “Get off my lawn.”

Other people have endured worse situations with neighbors. Just searching the websites of Springfield media outlets, you can find recent stories of arguments, shootings, and drug busts in Springfield involving neighbors.

NEIGHBORS FROM HELL

Bob Borzotta knows enough about dealing with difficult neighbors that he wrote a book titled, “Neighbors From Hell: Managing Today’s Brand of Conflict Close to Home.”

A former news reporter, Borzotta has been a consultant for CNN, NPR, Wall Street Journal, and a number of national newspapers and magazines that have covered topics related to neighbor relationships. He has also appeared on television news shows like ABC’s 20/20, Inside Edition, and daytime shows with Steve Harvey and Dr. Oz.

Borzotta was my guest on an episode of Neighboring 101 (extension.missouri.edu) in 2023 where we discussed the basics of dealing with difficult neighbors. He had two observations worth noting at the start.

The number one reason for getting to know your neighbors and building relationships with them is for prevention.

“If you have a relationship, it is easier to work through a problem. It isn’t perfect, but without a relationship, it can get out of hand quickly,” said Borzotta.

Second, neighbors from hell win more often than not.

“Good people seldom have the time or inclination to take on neighbors from hell. Situations that involve problem noises, harassment and property damage can be won. But productive people with real pursuits either don’t have the free time to fight it or are simply not built for conflict,” said Borzotta.

AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION

When it comes to neighbors, it is unfamiliarity that often breeds contempt. What are your ideas for becoming known among those who live near you?

“If your next-door neighbor is someone you know on a first-name basis then when they have a party and loud music, it doesn't bother you as much because you have familiarity,” said Borzotta. “Just knowing who that person is and having met that person, having spoken with that person, it makes such a huge difference.”

Borzotta recently had a situation near him with neighbors who did not know each other. The established neighbor called the police on the new neighbor for burning leaves in his yard, instead of getting to know the new neighbor and then letting him know that burning was against city ordinance.

“I think that could have been resolved with a simple conversation across the backyard fence,” said Borzotta. “But instead, now, we have two upset neighbors. Do you really want your first introduction to a neighbor to be a complaint you file with the police?”

The root of the problem may be selfishness. Borzotta thinks social media leads to the slow death of empathy and a new focus on self. That leads to one of the top causes of neighborhood conflict: gossip.

“Some people don't have enough going on in their lives to live a positive way. They become architects of gossip. And social media makes that worse too,” said Borzotta.

ANY ISSUE CAN BE RESOLVED

Borzotta has what he calls the three-pronged approach to neighbor conflict: prevention, diplomacy, and then correction.

“From my standpoint, any issue can be resolved even if it does become a protracted disagreement conflict that could even last years it can still be fixed. Sometimes it just means one side wins and the other doesn't,” said Borzotta.

Resolution often comes down to empathy and reasonableness.

“Be neighborly and think of others first,” said Borzotta. “And make sure you are not complaining about every little thing. Be the best neighbor you can be. I think that to a point we need to really look at ourselves and make sure we're being reasonable.”

Some people might get the impression from reading Borzotta’s book that if you have a bad neighbor, it is hopeless.

“Do not go scorched Earth on minor issues because it fractures relationships and it leaves no margins to work on bigger issues. I'm also saying it's not always worth the effort because it will put you and your family through a lot of psychological difficulties,” said Borzotta.

If a neighbor really wants to get their way they can. They can spend the money to win. They can hire an attorney. They can file complaint after complaint until the other person backs down and behaves the way a community member might hope they would.

“A strained relationship can have a long-lasting impact,” said Borzotta. “Sometimes, taking your losses and moving to another place may be better. Leave and focus on what really matters in life.”

GOOD NEIGHBOR UNDERCLASS

Borzotta has had his own difficult neighbors. One was a lady whose dog would bark right next to his bedroom window nightly, starting at about 2 a.m. “Every time I would ask her about the barking dog she would break into song. Turns out she had emotional problems. I invested in earplugs instead,” laughed Borzotta.

When working for the Philadelphia Inquirer, Borzotta wrote about drug houses by day and then went home where his neighbor hosted loud parties and made drug deals in the yard.

Because of that experience, he started taking notes and doing research. Before long, he launched neighborsfromhell.com, and his inbox filled up with messages.

“Cavemen probably had problems with each other too. Conflict is something that occurs very naturally because you have your way, and I have my way. It's really a matter of how the conflicts that can come up get resolved or not resolved,” said Borzotta.

When conflict arises it is often the good neighbor that complains and that comes with stigma.

“There is what I call a good neighbor underclass,” said Borzotta. “The more I learned, the more I saw how people were being treated by the system. You can get away with a lot of unneighborly activity before police or your landlord will do anything.”

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MORE INFORMATION

Does this article make you interested in taking the Engaged Neighbor pledge? Five categories and 20 principles to guide you toward becoming an engaged neighbor. Sign the pledge online at http://engagedneighbor.com.

Contact the blog author, David L. Burton at dburton541@yahoo.com.