Men Have a Friendship Deficit; The Answer Could be in Your Neighborhood

Male friendships were easier in eighth grade — at least they were for me. 

Back then, expectations were simpler. My dad would load me and my friends into the car and drive us to the Fremont Theater in Springfield. We’d eat popcorn, watch a movie, and feel like we were living the high life, worthy of a photo. 

It was the kind of low-key activity that built strong friendships among teenagers who went to school and played sports together.

But as boys grow into men, things change. They go their separate ways, start families, and their social lives get consumed by family responsibilities. Hikes with a fishing pole along the Sac River get swapped out for grocery store runs for diapers, and before long, close male friendships can fade into the background.

I often say that my married life can be divided into two phases: BK (Before Kids) and AK (After Kids). Before kids, I had more time for personal projects, playing golf, and even had a weekly basketball game with some business men in Willard. 

But once children come into the picture, family schedules take over and social lives shift. By 2022, with my own children grown, I realized that this was not just my personal experience — it is part of a larger trend.

Research has shown a troubling decline in the number of men with close friendships. A recent American Perspectives Survey found only 27% of men have six or more close friends — half the number from three decades ago — while 15% report having no close friends at all. 

Honestly, I find myself in the middle of that trend for a number of reasons. I work almost entirely with women. My work and family obligations fill up my calendar. And it is difficult to maintain friendships when no one seems to want the same thing.

THE TOLL OF ISOLATION ON MEN

In May 2023, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy warned of an epidemic of loneliness and social isolation in the United States. The health consequences are significant. Dr. Murthy’s report links loneliness to a 29% increased risk of heart disease, a 32% increased risk of stroke, and a 50% increased risk of dementia in older adults.

Men face unique challenges in this crisis. Research shows they are less likely to seek mental health services and more likely to hold negative attitudes toward seeking help, often ending treatment prematurely. Compounding this, men’s social circles have shrunk dramatically over the years. Living with loneliness silently takes a serious toll. Research equates the health impact of social disconnection to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

To combat this hidden epidemic, we must reduce stigma around seeking help, foster open dialogue, and strengthen men’s social connections. Addressing these issues is essential to improving men’s health and well-being.

WE NEED TO HANG OUT

I am here to attest that despite being surrounded by people, one can still feel profoundly lonely. To learn more on the subject I contacted Billy Baker, author of “We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends.”

In this book, Baker reflects on his personal struggle to maintain meaningful connections in a busy and often isolating world.

The book also explores the broader societal shifts that affect friendships, such as the rise of digital communication and the pressures of work-life balance.

“The book is a reflection on the importance of making time for the friendships that can help sustain us, even in a world that makes it increasingly difficult to do so. While building and maintaining friendships as an adult can be awkward and challenging, it’s also one of the most fulfilling endeavors in life,” said Baker.

This need to make connections and to serve together, is a big part of why I have been working to launch a Rotary Club in Republic. The RepMo Rotary Club launches with a meeting at 5:45 p.m. on Monday, March 10 in the Community Room at the Republic Library. This club will meet once a month and have one social or service event each month as well.

SHOULDER TO SHOULDER

Friendship is built on emotional connection and shared experiences, though men and women often bond in different ways. While women may connect through deep, face-to-face conversations, men tend to form emotional bonds through shared activities — what psychologists call “shoulder-to-shoulder” connections.

Dr. Jeff Stone, a psychologist specializing in male relationships, explains in Psychology Today that men often feel closest to others when engaged in action-based, collaborative tasks rather than direct emotional conversations. 

“Whether fixing a car, playing a sport, or volunteering, these activities create a natural space for bonding without the pressure of verbal intimacy. The shared task becomes the bridge to forming deeper emotional bonds,” said Dr. Stone.

This approach works for several reasons:

Action-Based Communication: Working toward a goal fosters connection organically, with camaraderie forming through teamwork and shared effort.

Less Pressure for Emotional Vulnerability: Activities provide a comfortable setting where deeper conversations can emerge naturally over time.

The Power of Teamwork: Cooperation reinforces trust and mutual respect, strengthening friendships through shared purpose.

Shared Achievement: Success in a joint endeavor builds pride and a sense of belonging, subtly deepening emotional bonds.

For many men, emotional intimacy isn’t about words — it’s about being present, working together, and building connections through action.

NEW PARK GARDEN

On March 22 I will gather in Owen Park in Republic with a handful of male neighbors to build a pollinator garden around a new bench and little free library. City Council member Justin Shaw coordinated the project as part of his Neighborhood Leadership Academy grant from 2023.

We will use blocks to create a nice border for the garden, tell a lot of stories, and discuss ways the park would benefit from our manual labor. 

I am not the best at manual labor any more, but this and other experiences of working alongside neighbors on projects is helping me! So, I say, hand me a shovel — I’m about to dig myself out of this pit of male loneliness!

SIDEBAR

Ideas for gathering males in neighborhood

Getting males in your neighborhood together to work shoulder to shoulder can be really rewarding! Here are a few suggestions to help you get started:

1. Host a Kickoff Event: Start with an informal event like a neighborhood cookoff where you represent your favorite sports team.

2. Help a Neighbor: A simple clean-up event to help a widow or elderly couple who has projects in the yard and around the house.

3. Public Spaces Renovation: If there is a park or shared area nearby, this is a natural starting point to get men involved and working side by side.

4. Interest-Based Groups: If people share a common hobby or interest, like hunting or fishing, use that to form smaller groups where men can get together regularly. 

5. Start a Team: Signup for an adult softball or basketball league comprised of men in the neighborhood, or host a driveway pickleball tournament!

PHOTO CUTLINES: Four eighth grade boys from Ash Grove, Missouri (left to right): Mark Calvert, Brian Welch, Scott Davis and David Burton.

 

Written by David L. Burton

MORE INFORMATION

Take the Engaged Neighbor pledge and become part of a movement! The pledge outlines five categories and 20 principles to guide you toward becoming an engaged neighbor. Sign the pledge at https://nomoregoodneighbors.com. Individuals who take the pledge do get special invitations to future events online and in person. Contact the blog author, David L. Burton via email at dburton541@yahoo.com or visit his website at http://engagedneighbor.com.