Being an Engaged Neighbor is Better For You, and Better for Them

 

We often talk about neighboring as something we do for other people.

Take cookies to the new family down the street. Check on the older adult living alone. Help someone carry groceries. Invite a neighbor over for coffee. Stop long enough to have a conversation instead of simply waving as we drive past.

But what if these simple acts aren't just good for our neighbors?

What if neighboring is also good for us?

An article in RELEVANT Magazine, "Science: Loving Your Neighbor Is Literally Good for Your Brain," highlights a growing body of research showing that kindness and generosity can produce measurable benefits for our brains, bodies and relationships.

The implications for how we think about neighboring are significant.

Kindness Changes the Giver

One of the most interesting studies highlighted in the article compared three approaches intended to reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety: enjoyable activities, cognitive reappraisal—challenging negative thoughts—and intentional acts of kindness.

Researchers expected cognitive reappraisal, a well-established therapeutic technique, to perform best.

Instead, the kindness group did as well or better—and participants practicing kindness experienced something the other groups did not: increased social connection.

That distinction matters.

When we do something kind for another person, we aren't simply completing a good deed. We are creating a relationship, however small.

And our bodies apparently notice.

Research cited in the article indicates that kindness can stimulate brain chemicals associated with pleasure, satisfaction and well-being, including dopamine and serotonin. Positive social contact can also promote oxytocin, while compassionate actions have been associated with endorphins and reduced stress.

In other words, the warm feeling we sometimes experience after helping someone isn't merely sentimental.

There is biology behind it.

We Underestimate the Power of Small Acts

Perhaps the most important lesson for neighboring is this: we consistently underestimate how much our kindness means to another person.

The person giving the kindness often thinks, It wasn't that big of a deal.

The person receiving it may experience something entirely different:

Someone noticed me.

Someone remembered me.

Someone cares that I'm here.

That is especially important in our neighborhoods.

We sometimes convince ourselves that meaningful community building requires organizing a block party, creating a neighborhood association or launching a major volunteer project.

Those things can certainly be valuable.

But community often begins much smaller.

Learn someone's name. Bring their trash cart back from the curb. Ask how they're doing—and actually listen. Share something from your garden. Offer help. Invite someone to sit on the porch. Bake the cookies.

Small acts communicate something much larger: You matter.

Kindness Needs to Become a Habit

There is another important qualification in the research.

One isolated act of kindness can make us feel good, but the greatest benefits appear to come when kindness becomes habitual.

That may be one of the most important lessons we can apply to neighboring.

We don't need one annual "Be Nice to Your Neighbor Day."

We need a lifestyle of neighboring.

A neighborhood becomes connected when small positive interactions happen repeatedly. A wave becomes a conversation. A conversation becomes an acquaintance. An acquaintance becomes someone whose name we know. Eventually, that person may become someone we trust enough to call when we need help.

Relationships are built through repetition. Neighboring isn't an event. It is a practice.

Kindness Can Spread

There is also evidence for what researchers describe as a "propagation effect." People who receive kindness are more likely to extend kindness to someone else.

Imagine what that means at the neighborhood level.

You help one neighbor. That neighbor checks on another. Someone else notices. Another person decides to introduce themselves. Someone organizes a driveway gathering. Two neighbors who have lived three houses apart for ten years finally meet.

Kindness can become contagious.

That's how neighborhood culture changes—not necessarily through programs, policies or organizations, but through behaviors that people begin to imitate.

One person can help establish a new social norm:

This is a neighborhood where people notice each other.

Loving Your Neighbor Is Good for Both of You

We sometimes present neighboring primarily as sacrifice.

Give your time, help someone, and serve others. Those are worthy ideas, but the science suggests we may be telling only half the story.

Neighboring is remarkably reciprocal.

When I notice you, I become less isolated. When I help you, I experience purpose. When I learn your name, one more person in my world becomes familiar. When I listen to your story, my world becomes larger. When I care about whether you are doing well, I become more connected to the place where I live.

Helping our neighbors helps us become healthier neighbors ourselves.

How Should We Share This Message?

Perhaps we need to change the way we talk about neighboring.

Instead of only saying: "Be a good neighbor because your neighbors need you."

We can also say: "Get to know your neighbors because we need each other."

That is a much more powerful invitation.

We should share this research in neighborhood newsletters, community meetings, churches, civic organizations, workplaces, social media posts and conversations with local leaders. But we shouldn't bury people in neuroscience or statistics.

Give them one memorable idea:

Kindness is good for the person receiving it, good for the person giving it, and good for the community where it happens.

Then pair that idea with an action. 

Because the most important lesson from this research may be remarkably simple: We were made for connection.

Our neighborhoods provide one of the easiest places to practice it.

And sometimes improving your community—and perhaps even improving your own well-being—can begin by walking across the street and saying hello.

WRITTEN BY

David L. Burton

For more information, visit the Engaged Neighbor website. Take our pledge and become part of a movement! Or subscribe to our newsletter. Access some of the research documents written by David Burton, the author of this blog. Or better yet, purchase one of his books off Amazon. Contact David L. Burton via email at dburton541@yahoo.