Guest Editorial: America Doesn’t Need More Good Neighbors

Ask Americans what makes someone a good neighbor and you might expect answers such as helping when someone is sick, welcoming a new family or checking on an elderly resident.

My research in Missouri suggests otherwise.

In statewide surveys I conducted through University of Missouri Extension in 2022 and 2024, 2,000 adults each year were asked what qualities make someone a good neighbor. The leading answer both times was essentially the same: Respect my privacy.

In the 2024 survey, 71% selected respecting privacy as a characteristic of a good neighbor. Sixty-five percent selected being quiet.

Apparently, the ideal neighbor is someone we barely notice.

Courtesy and respect for boundaries are virtues. Nobody wants the fellow next door mowing at midnight or appearing uninvited at the dinner table. But our definition of neighborliness has drifted from relationship toward avoidance. We have confused leaving people alone with loving our neighbors.

That distinction matters.

Harvard psychiatrists Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz noticed the change years ago. In their book The Lonely American, they described how Americans in the 1950s expected relationships with their neighbors. New residents expected to be welcomed. Neighbors borrowed tools and ingredients, watched one another's children, kept an eye on homes when families traveled and occasionally shared meals.

In their book, Olds and Schwartz summarized the cultural change succinctly: A good neighbor today is someone who is quiet and leaves you alone. In 2022, as part of an email exchange on this idea, Schwartz added: "Those comments in our book were based on accumulated observations over time rather than a formal study. But they are accurate."

When I first encountered that observation, I wondered whether it was an exaggeration.

Then Missourians essentially told me the same thing.

This is why I have become convinced that America doesn't need more good neighbors. At least not according to our modern definition.

We need engaged neighbors.

An engaged neighbor respects privacy but doesn't practice indifference. He knows the name of the widow across the street. She notices when the elderly neighbor's newspaper hasn't moved for two days. They welcome the new family, borrow the ladder, return the ladder, shovel a sidewalk, organize the occasional cookout and have enough of a relationship that asking for help isn't awkward.

These sound like small things. And they are, which is the point.

We tend to discuss America's social problems at enormous scale. Loneliness. Distrust. Political polarization. Declining civic participation. Social isolation. We naturally look for equally enormous solutions involving national organizations, government programs and millions of dollars.

But some social infrastructure can't be built in Washington. It has to be built in driveways.

Our Missouri research provides some encouraging evidence.

There is plenty of neighborly goodwill left. In our 2024 survey, 60% of respondents said they had at least one neighbor they trusted, and 48% reported doing favors for neighbors. Both measures increased from 2022.

But deeper interaction is struggling. Only 27% reported inviting neighbors into their homes, and participation in projects with neighbors declined sharply. We appear increasingly comfortable being friendly without becoming friends.

That distinction has consequences.

A wave across the driveway is pleasant. It isn't much help when the power goes out, your spouse falls, a tornado hits or you need someone to pick up your child unexpectedly. Resilient communities require something more than proximity. They require relationships.

The good news is that neighborliness can be learned.

We surveyed 283 Missourians who registered for our Engaged Neighbor educational program. Six months after the introductory classes, participants were 20 percentage points more likely to know all their neighbors' names, 19 points more likely to have face-to-face conversations with neighbors and 15 points more likely to know what their neighbors did for a living.

Nothing dramatic was required. We encouraged people to start with those living closest to them: see and be seen, listen and learn, share and care, gather and grow, include and encourage.

The first step is remarkably simple: Learn people's names.

That may sound insignificant in a nation facing profound challenges. Alexis de Tocqueville would have understood otherwise. America's democratic strength has always depended partly on habits of association—ordinary people learning to cooperate with one another rather than waiting for institutions to do everything for them.

The neighborhood is where we practice those habits first.

For years we have optimized American life for privacy. Bigger houses, backyard decks, privacy fences, automatic garage doors, home entertainment and delivery services make it possible to live surrounded by people while rarely interacting with them.

Technology didn't force us to become strangers. Neither did architecture. We made choices.

We can make different ones.

Respect your neighbor's privacy. Keep the stereo down. Mow your lawn. Those are good manners.

But don't mistake them for community.

A healthy neighborhood requires people willing to risk a little awkwardness: introducing themselves after living nearby for five years, offering help before being asked, sitting in the front yard instead of retreating to the backyard, or inviting someone over who might say no.

America has plenty of people who are quiet and leave their neighbors alone.

What we need now are people willing to knock on the door.

WRITTEN BY

David L. Burton

For more information, visit the Engaged Neighbor website. Take our pledge and become part of a movement! Or subscribe to our newsletter. Access some of the research documents written by David Burton, the author of this blog. Or better yet, purchase one of his books off Amazon. Contact David L. Burton via email at dburton541@yahoo.